A Drunken Request

OK, I've written this (while drunk) and revised it (while drunk) and decided to post it (while drunk). But I have a feeling that I'll delete it (while sober). If I don't... well, good for me, I've actually written something of which I'm not ashamed (while drunk). If I do delete it... that means that this post really has very little merit or truth, and you should disregard it.

Looking into the mirror, I see the face of someone too drunk to understand what's going on. A paradox, really. How am I making such a keen observation of my own lack of the ability to make keen observations? A mystery of the world, I guess. Maybe I'm just a good actor, and I would actually be a really good poker player while drunk. Or maybe I'm just really bad at reading people, including myself. I think that that might be the case.

Being single isn't all it's cracked up to be. I knew I wouldn't like it, but going back into it is like getting a bucket of cold water splashed across the face. There's a lovely sense of security in going to a party knowing that you don't really have to accomplish anything at all, you can just have a good time. I do realize that that's true even while single. But some part of my subconscious always feels guilty if I leave a party not having danced with a girl, or had a good drunken conversation with one. I guess that my subconscious is a complete dick.

And I actually did accomplish something along those lines at tonight's party. I called in a promise from a friend's girlfriend, who told me a long time ago that she would find me a girl if I ever broke up with my (then current) girlfriend. So I drunkely asked her to give me some possibilities. She promised to do so gladly, saying that I am one of the sweetest guys she knows, and that it would be easy to find a girl for me, and that doing so would be her pleasure. It made me happy, until I started to sober up a bit.

Strangely enough, there was a mirror at the entrance to the main room of this party. I saw myself in it as I walked by and wondered what she saw in me. Or what any girl sees in me, for that matter. I don't really have all that much. Relying on being a "nice guy" really makes me nervous, because it always seems that I end up being "just friends". If I had a nickel for every time a girl has said "just friends" to me, I'd have like a buck. What makes her (my friend's girlfriend) think that she can change anything?

Or maybe I should be asking myself what I can change about myself. Do nice guys really finish last? Do I need to be more of an asshole to be able to get and keep a girl? Honestly, I've seen it work numerous times. So maybe I should try being the asshole once, to see what happens... Shit, I'm going to say no to that just on principle, because I don't like the idea. I just need to find the proverbial "one", and it won't matter that I'm a nice guy.

But does "the one" even exist? And if so, how will I know? Love at first sight is so out, because I don't trust my instincts even for picking out a beverage at a fast food joint. Maybe a slow progression toward it, starting as friends and ending as perfect lovers? Nah, that leaves way too much room for it ending at "just friends" like it always seems to. I guess just the "Nice to meet you. You want to go get a cup of coffee?" would work. I just need to find a girl whom I find to be worth taking out, but to whom I haven't introduced myself. So really this whole getting set up thing might be the perfect idea. She'll be expecting me to ask her out right away, and we'll be able to jump right into dating before I become too much of a friend to make it impossible.

Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize a drunken request that I'm thinking might have been a mistake at this point. I don't really need to start anything right now, even though being single does suck a lot. I just got out of a relationship, maybe I should let it settle in my mind a bit first. But it's all in the past now. All I can do is wait to see who she has in mind for me, and hope for the best.

I have a feeling that that's all I'll ever be able to do.