I heard somewhere that one's sense of smell can evoke more and stronger memories than any other sense. I don't know if this is true or not, but it certainly does bring things back for me. One of the shampoos in our shower at home has a smell that reminds me of the shampoo in the shower of one of my old friends from elementary school.
It reminds me specifically of the time I was going to stay for a week at his in Illinois when I was around 10 years old or so. We had been best friends back when I had lived in Illinois, and so I was excited that we'd have a whole week to catch up, go clubbing, and get drunk. Or play with GI Joes. You know how it is. But the morning after we got there, and as my parents were about to head back out to Fort Wayne (where we were living at the time), my dad came into the room where I was sleeping, woke me up, and said goodbye. I was tired, excited, and scared. And I started crying. I was too scared to be without my parents for a week. I ended up going home with them that morning. My friend was pretty sad, I remember him crying too. My parents blamed themselves for waking me up for their departure. But there wasn't anything to be done, I was already homesick.
So a couple months after that, later in the summer, we tried again. This time I watched and waved as my parents drove off. I suppressed my fear, and my homesickness. No more cry-baby, I was tough. I didn't need mommy and daddy at all. I think that this incident is probably what made going away to college so easy. The first day of college, my parents drove me up, unloaded my stuff quickly, then left. They were there for maybe half an hour before they left. And I was fine. I didn't really feel anything at all. I remember thinking that I was supposed to feel homesick and scared, but even when I tried to muster these feelings, I just didn't feel anything at all. I think I got over homesickness forever when I was 10 years old. It makes me feel old. I want to have something to long for the way everyone else does.
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I've been home this week for spring break, which is why I haven't been blogging at all. Instead, I've been watching movies and writing about them for my film class. So far I've watched Russian Ark, North by Northwest, The Battle of Algiers, The Gold Rush, The Great Dictator, The Maltese Falcon, and In the Mood for Love. It's not quite Florida or California, but it's a nice break from the regular grind. I might post some of the brief reviews, if the mood strikes me. I highly recommend any of those movies to anyone.
I also saw, for the first time ever, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I don't think I'm going to review it for the class, but I recommend it highly to any college student. It's one of those things that's part of the prototypical college experience: being homesick for the first two weeks, skipping classes, getting drunk/high, rebelling against mom and dad's right-wing views, and watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
More posts after spring break is dead and buried.
They Call Me the Seeker
A bellowing train reminds me of childhood, half asleep while the engine thundered by outside my window, the piercing deep whistle sluggishly reaching through the muggy air. Spring is coming. It's in the air, and everyone can feel it. Never mind the temperature, there's something in the way the world seems to be gearing up, ready to burst forth. Something brilliant is about to happen, and I hope I recognize it when I see it.
I'm drunk off my ass on green beer. Fortunately, I only have half of a paper to write before spring break starts for me. Then, life will be good. Nothing to worry about after this one last push. But they I'll have to start getting ready for exams after that. That'll be a bitch. But then, after that, a whole summer of leisure. Ah yes, I can taste it.
That's how it always is, isn't it? Just this one more thing to take care of, then I'll be on easy street. Just this last bit, and it'll all be over. Remember that scene in Spaceballs? Bill Pullman and John Candy are trekking through the endless desert, and Pullman says, "It's here, right over this last dune. Just one more dune to go." and Candy replies, "You said that three dunes ago." That's what life looks like to me. A series of endless dunes to climb over, with the prize just over whatever one I happen to be on. I've always been telling myself to keep going for one more thing, to overcome one more challenge. Pass all of your classes, then things will be easier. Get a job, then things will work out. Get a girlfriend, then you'll be happy. Get this fucking paper done, and all of the worries will be done. And it never stops.
So how do I stop it? There are two options: either I can keep going and try to reach the goal, or I can just give up and meander along. The latter option gets immediately discarded, because, while it does offer the possibility of short-term relief from the stress of always climbing toward something, doesn't actually get me happiness. So I have to keep going. But now that I've recognized the predicament, I can ask a few pertinent questions. Like what is the goal, the prize that I'm searching for? What will actually make me happy? If I can actually pinpoint what it is, maybe I can make a concerted effort to reach it. So, what is it? And can I actually reach it, or is the desert really endless?
One of the things that we fraternity boys do to our pledges, besides the obvious stuff like beating the shit out of them with paddles and tieing them up for weird, homoerotic rituals (I'm being facetious, by the way), is to make them interview all of the actives with questions of their own design. The questions are generally the cliche "what's your favorite movie" or "what superpower would you have" or "what's your greatest accomplishment" type of thing. But even cliche questions, if you stop to think about them, can be interesting. I suppose that's why they become cliche: people ask them because they have the greatest potential to evoke interesting responses. One such question asked of me was "where do you want to be in 5 years?" or its counterpart "what do you want to be doing after college?"
When I thought about this, I realized that I really have no idea. So I tried to wing it. And going on the idea that first instincts are usually the best, I suppose that those answers are actually the best. Accordingly, what I want for myself is a good wife, thinking about kids, at a good job where I have plenty of room for advancement, without requiring so much of my time that I can't have a family life. The American Dream.
Maybe first instincts aren't always perfect, and they're actually based on bullshit cultural norms. I don't really know. But I can't really think of what else I'd rather be doing in five years. Riches and fame seem to really mess people up, so I think I'd rather avoid both of those until I've matured a bit. So let's just operate on the assumption that all I want is my slice of Americana. What do I need to do to accomplish that right now?
Not much, really. If I keep on the pace I'm at, I'll probably end up there anyway. Well, maybe not the wife part. But that will come in time, I'm sure. It worked out for enough of my friends that I'm confident enough for myself. So I shouldn't worry about anything, I'm on my way to the American Dream anyway, right?
Damn, I think I've made a mistake. What I'm looking for is that thing that I keep trying to reach by going through one more trouble, by doing that one last thing right now. I'm not necessarily looking to the future. I got sidetracked. I want instant gratification. What will make me happy right now, today? I suppose not having to worry about money or grades or romance. If I were financially secure, smart enough that I didn't need to study at all, and looked good enough and talked well enough to have the perfect girl, then I'd be happy. Money, grades, and romance. The very things that make my life interesting right now. How boring would that life be?
So perhaps there has to be something to worry about so that I don't get bored. Who knows? I'd probably end up spending all my money on bullshit, skipping classes because I was bored, and cheating on my girlfriend because I would know I could easily get another. Not quite ideal. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Truth be told, all I know is that I want to be happy. I don't know for sure what will make me happy, but I'm optimistic enough to believe that I'll find it eventually. I'm done trying to think it through right now.
Well, I take that back. For the short term I've found what will make me happy: I'm going to bed.
I'm drunk off my ass on green beer. Fortunately, I only have half of a paper to write before spring break starts for me. Then, life will be good. Nothing to worry about after this one last push. But they I'll have to start getting ready for exams after that. That'll be a bitch. But then, after that, a whole summer of leisure. Ah yes, I can taste it.
That's how it always is, isn't it? Just this one more thing to take care of, then I'll be on easy street. Just this last bit, and it'll all be over. Remember that scene in Spaceballs? Bill Pullman and John Candy are trekking through the endless desert, and Pullman says, "It's here, right over this last dune. Just one more dune to go." and Candy replies, "You said that three dunes ago." That's what life looks like to me. A series of endless dunes to climb over, with the prize just over whatever one I happen to be on. I've always been telling myself to keep going for one more thing, to overcome one more challenge. Pass all of your classes, then things will be easier. Get a job, then things will work out. Get a girlfriend, then you'll be happy. Get this fucking paper done, and all of the worries will be done. And it never stops.
So how do I stop it? There are two options: either I can keep going and try to reach the goal, or I can just give up and meander along. The latter option gets immediately discarded, because, while it does offer the possibility of short-term relief from the stress of always climbing toward something, doesn't actually get me happiness. So I have to keep going. But now that I've recognized the predicament, I can ask a few pertinent questions. Like what is the goal, the prize that I'm searching for? What will actually make me happy? If I can actually pinpoint what it is, maybe I can make a concerted effort to reach it. So, what is it? And can I actually reach it, or is the desert really endless?
One of the things that we fraternity boys do to our pledges, besides the obvious stuff like beating the shit out of them with paddles and tieing them up for weird, homoerotic rituals (I'm being facetious, by the way), is to make them interview all of the actives with questions of their own design. The questions are generally the cliche "what's your favorite movie" or "what superpower would you have" or "what's your greatest accomplishment" type of thing. But even cliche questions, if you stop to think about them, can be interesting. I suppose that's why they become cliche: people ask them because they have the greatest potential to evoke interesting responses. One such question asked of me was "where do you want to be in 5 years?" or its counterpart "what do you want to be doing after college?"
When I thought about this, I realized that I really have no idea. So I tried to wing it. And going on the idea that first instincts are usually the best, I suppose that those answers are actually the best. Accordingly, what I want for myself is a good wife, thinking about kids, at a good job where I have plenty of room for advancement, without requiring so much of my time that I can't have a family life. The American Dream.
Maybe first instincts aren't always perfect, and they're actually based on bullshit cultural norms. I don't really know. But I can't really think of what else I'd rather be doing in five years. Riches and fame seem to really mess people up, so I think I'd rather avoid both of those until I've matured a bit. So let's just operate on the assumption that all I want is my slice of Americana. What do I need to do to accomplish that right now?
Not much, really. If I keep on the pace I'm at, I'll probably end up there anyway. Well, maybe not the wife part. But that will come in time, I'm sure. It worked out for enough of my friends that I'm confident enough for myself. So I shouldn't worry about anything, I'm on my way to the American Dream anyway, right?
Damn, I think I've made a mistake. What I'm looking for is that thing that I keep trying to reach by going through one more trouble, by doing that one last thing right now. I'm not necessarily looking to the future. I got sidetracked. I want instant gratification. What will make me happy right now, today? I suppose not having to worry about money or grades or romance. If I were financially secure, smart enough that I didn't need to study at all, and looked good enough and talked well enough to have the perfect girl, then I'd be happy. Money, grades, and romance. The very things that make my life interesting right now. How boring would that life be?
So perhaps there has to be something to worry about so that I don't get bored. Who knows? I'd probably end up spending all my money on bullshit, skipping classes because I was bored, and cheating on my girlfriend because I would know I could easily get another. Not quite ideal. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Truth be told, all I know is that I want to be happy. I don't know for sure what will make me happy, but I'm optimistic enough to believe that I'll find it eventually. I'm done trying to think it through right now.
Well, I take that back. For the short term I've found what will make me happy: I'm going to bed.
Quisne Sum?
Back in highschool one of my friends sent out one of those silly little email surveys that you're supposed to fill out and send to all of your friends. I don't think I ever ended up sending it back out, but I did fill it out and save it to my hard drive for whatever reason. Then, about a year later, I found it again and re-answered all of the questions according to how I was then. Then I did it again last year. And today I did it for this year's iteration. It's a completely uninteresting survey, but remembering what I was thinking when I filled out the questions one, two, and three years ago is very... curious? interesting? enlightening? It makes me worry about who I was, and who I've become, and who I'll be.
I realize that I've become a very different person, in ways that aren't really describable or even noticable. Thinking back on it, it seems that the changes come in six-month cycles. Or maybe it's just semesterly cycles. Well, roughly semesterly. I remember the exact moment, two years ago, where I made a seemingly minor change in my way of thinking about certain things that ended up having a huge impact on my personality and life. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't decided to give up certain thoughts and take on others. I also remember the point a little over a year ago where I made another seemingly minor decision that had major effects on my life. I also remember when a friend told me, in a few short sentences, things that I knew and know changed me immediately.
Or have I actually changed as a person? Supposedly your personality is formed by the time you're five years old (or something like that). So maybe it's just different aspects of me showing through, and I'm still the person I was when I was a toddler. Or maybe the "personality" of which they speak covers a much narrower range of traits than I imagined. I'm not really sure. Orson Scott Card, in the introduction to Ender's Game said that he didn't feel any different from the person he was when he was six years old, and when that fact manifested itself in the book, it made quite a few critics uncomfortable. I don't really remember the person I was when I was six, but I do know that I feel like the same person I was in high school. That is, I can understand every decision I made, and I don't feel like the person who made them was a stranger, or an asshole, or a moron. But when I carefully examine the way I thought and acted in various situations, it seems as though I was a completely different person.
This is a fascinating phenomenon. I would imagine it's the whole gradual change that really adds up to it... Like going up a very gradual incline. You can't tell that you're higher from yard to yard, but after a mile, you can look down and see a huge drop off. But of course that doesn't really explain the moments where I know, even that the time, that my life is changing. I realize on one level that the way I react to things is going to be different from that point on, but at the same time I don't feel like a different person. Maybe it's just because who I am, even after a moment of profound personal change, is still based a lot on experiences I had before that moment. The moment would never have come about if it weren't for my entire life before that. So the moment changes me, but in changing me it is an affirmation of everything that has come before it.
That sounds like bullshit, even to my drunken self. But I feel a bit better about being a different person after thinking through it. I don't think I'll ever change enough to make myself think that I used to be a complete asshole or moron. I don't have to worry about what I'll become, I'll still be who I am.
Damn, I've become cliche.
I realize that I've become a very different person, in ways that aren't really describable or even noticable. Thinking back on it, it seems that the changes come in six-month cycles. Or maybe it's just semesterly cycles. Well, roughly semesterly. I remember the exact moment, two years ago, where I made a seemingly minor change in my way of thinking about certain things that ended up having a huge impact on my personality and life. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't decided to give up certain thoughts and take on others. I also remember the point a little over a year ago where I made another seemingly minor decision that had major effects on my life. I also remember when a friend told me, in a few short sentences, things that I knew and know changed me immediately.
Or have I actually changed as a person? Supposedly your personality is formed by the time you're five years old (or something like that). So maybe it's just different aspects of me showing through, and I'm still the person I was when I was a toddler. Or maybe the "personality" of which they speak covers a much narrower range of traits than I imagined. I'm not really sure. Orson Scott Card, in the introduction to Ender's Game said that he didn't feel any different from the person he was when he was six years old, and when that fact manifested itself in the book, it made quite a few critics uncomfortable. I don't really remember the person I was when I was six, but I do know that I feel like the same person I was in high school. That is, I can understand every decision I made, and I don't feel like the person who made them was a stranger, or an asshole, or a moron. But when I carefully examine the way I thought and acted in various situations, it seems as though I was a completely different person.
This is a fascinating phenomenon. I would imagine it's the whole gradual change that really adds up to it... Like going up a very gradual incline. You can't tell that you're higher from yard to yard, but after a mile, you can look down and see a huge drop off. But of course that doesn't really explain the moments where I know, even that the time, that my life is changing. I realize on one level that the way I react to things is going to be different from that point on, but at the same time I don't feel like a different person. Maybe it's just because who I am, even after a moment of profound personal change, is still based a lot on experiences I had before that moment. The moment would never have come about if it weren't for my entire life before that. So the moment changes me, but in changing me it is an affirmation of everything that has come before it.
That sounds like bullshit, even to my drunken self. But I feel a bit better about being a different person after thinking through it. I don't think I'll ever change enough to make myself think that I used to be a complete asshole or moron. I don't have to worry about what I'll become, I'll still be who I am.
Damn, I've become cliche.
Carpam Diem
Looking back on my posts, I've come to realize that I write a lot about girls. And it might seem to a careful reader that I change my mind a lot on how I should approach having a girlfriend and how to acquire one. Well, I do. Every permutation of my degrees of sobriety, horniness, and cynicism breeds a new thought on just what I should do about the whole riddle that the female sex presents to me. So now, being fairly drunk, not very horny, and pretty damn cynical, I'm going to offer what seems to be the best idea of this very moment.
I'll do away with having an agenda. I'll act from moment to moment. No more long term plans where girls are concerned. Trying to fit life into an easy-to-follow rubric seems to be complete folly anyway. So I'll just play it by ear. Live in the moment. Carpam diem.
Chances are that the next post I make will contradict this one, but as for right now, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, and for those who don't know, "carpam diem" translates roughly to "I will seize the day", though "carpere" is closer to "to pluck" rather than "to seize". Such a geek am I.
I'll do away with having an agenda. I'll act from moment to moment. No more long term plans where girls are concerned. Trying to fit life into an easy-to-follow rubric seems to be complete folly anyway. So I'll just play it by ear. Live in the moment. Carpam diem.
Chances are that the next post I make will contradict this one, but as for right now, I need to get some sleep.
Oh, and for those who don't know, "carpam diem" translates roughly to "I will seize the day", though "carpere" is closer to "to pluck" rather than "to seize". Such a geek am I.
Cowardice and Conclusions
I've reached a conclusion on the girlfriend conundrum. I'll wait for one of two things: a girl who actively pursues me, or a girl who strikes my fancy enough that I can't afford to not actively pursue her. Perhaps not perfect, but it leaves me with more peace of mind than any other course of action that I can think of while still leaving me a fair chance of not staying single.
OK, an explication... I'm still not sure about this, but it's how I've been thinking about things for the past week or so:
I used to think that I was a coward for not pursuing girls whom I saw as worth pursuing. I would tell myself that I ought to just go up and ask this or that girl out. Maybe one of them will say yes, maybe all of them will say no, but I ought to ask one. The fact that I never did left me with a considerable amount of angst. "But," I would always respond to myself, "there's such uncertainty... you never know if asking out someone like that will jeopardize your friendship with them, you never know if you'll end up dating then breaking up on bad terms, you never know if they'll end up thinking you're just some creep, you just never know..." And I would listen to myself, and not ask out anyone. And I thought I was a pussy. Maybe I was. Maybe I am.
But what I've decided is that calling myself a coward in that situation is really stupid. I just haven't met a girl for whom these "never knows" aren't real concerns. A girl for whom it's worth putting my pride, our friendship, etc. on the line because I'm that attracted to her. I'm not a coward, I just haven't found the right girl, and I'm not one to just ask out a girl for the hell of it. I want it to last. Really, even the fact that I can't narrow it down to one girl whom I want to ask out proves that there's no one single one worth asking out right now. Or maybe I'm just justifying my cowardice. But that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.
Which leaves me with two possible methods of ending up with a girlfriend: Either I meet "the one" that I talked about in the previous paragraph, or a girl pursues me and I recpiprocate. If a girl pursues me, then everything changes. I no longer have to worry about things ending up being awkward - they'll already end up that way if that's where the relationship goes. I don't have to worry about injured pride, she's already taken that risk. Wow, I sound like a cynical bastard. I probably am, too. I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis of dating possibilities. It should go beyond that. Of course, that's the whole thing with meeting someone who I must pursue, despite the risks and possible costs. The girl pursuing me is a different situation, so it has to be treated differently.
And even "the one" has a cost/benefit analysis attached with her. The potential benefit simply outweighs the cost very handily. So when a girl pursues me, it's similar, only the cost is significantly lowered. And really, the potential benefit skyrockets, too. Because I'd be far happier knowing that the girl actually is interested in me, and not just going on a date because she didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no.
But this is mostly a moot point anyway. I've only been pursued once (that I know of), and that ended up being awkward because I had just started going out with my ex, and while I was mildly interested before I started dating, afterwards the pursuer sort of fell by the wayside. I don't hold much hope for that possibility. I'm going to wait for the one.
Or, the third possibility that I keep forgetting about is getting set up by friends with a well-vouched stranger. But that's another situation entirely, and I don't feel like thinking through it right now.
All in all, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about the whole girlfriend scenario. Call me a blind optimist, but I'm sure it'll work out in the end.
OK, an explication... I'm still not sure about this, but it's how I've been thinking about things for the past week or so:
I used to think that I was a coward for not pursuing girls whom I saw as worth pursuing. I would tell myself that I ought to just go up and ask this or that girl out. Maybe one of them will say yes, maybe all of them will say no, but I ought to ask one. The fact that I never did left me with a considerable amount of angst. "But," I would always respond to myself, "there's such uncertainty... you never know if asking out someone like that will jeopardize your friendship with them, you never know if you'll end up dating then breaking up on bad terms, you never know if they'll end up thinking you're just some creep, you just never know..." And I would listen to myself, and not ask out anyone. And I thought I was a pussy. Maybe I was. Maybe I am.
But what I've decided is that calling myself a coward in that situation is really stupid. I just haven't met a girl for whom these "never knows" aren't real concerns. A girl for whom it's worth putting my pride, our friendship, etc. on the line because I'm that attracted to her. I'm not a coward, I just haven't found the right girl, and I'm not one to just ask out a girl for the hell of it. I want it to last. Really, even the fact that I can't narrow it down to one girl whom I want to ask out proves that there's no one single one worth asking out right now. Or maybe I'm just justifying my cowardice. But that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.
Which leaves me with two possible methods of ending up with a girlfriend: Either I meet "the one" that I talked about in the previous paragraph, or a girl pursues me and I recpiprocate. If a girl pursues me, then everything changes. I no longer have to worry about things ending up being awkward - they'll already end up that way if that's where the relationship goes. I don't have to worry about injured pride, she's already taken that risk. Wow, I sound like a cynical bastard. I probably am, too. I'm doing a cost/benefit analysis of dating possibilities. It should go beyond that. Of course, that's the whole thing with meeting someone who I must pursue, despite the risks and possible costs. The girl pursuing me is a different situation, so it has to be treated differently.
And even "the one" has a cost/benefit analysis attached with her. The potential benefit simply outweighs the cost very handily. So when a girl pursues me, it's similar, only the cost is significantly lowered. And really, the potential benefit skyrockets, too. Because I'd be far happier knowing that the girl actually is interested in me, and not just going on a date because she didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no.
But this is mostly a moot point anyway. I've only been pursued once (that I know of), and that ended up being awkward because I had just started going out with my ex, and while I was mildly interested before I started dating, afterwards the pursuer sort of fell by the wayside. I don't hold much hope for that possibility. I'm going to wait for the one.
Or, the third possibility that I keep forgetting about is getting set up by friends with a well-vouched stranger. But that's another situation entirely, and I don't feel like thinking through it right now.
All in all, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better about the whole girlfriend scenario. Call me a blind optimist, but I'm sure it'll work out in the end.
Pater Meus Sapientior Me Est
There are more thoughts I have on this, but I'm going to finish them later. When I'm drunk.
Yesterday, I got an email from my parents. They had gotten a grade warning from one of my professors saying that I was failing a class, and they went a bit off the deep end, in my opinion. They talked about how I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships and so on. It accomplished their purpose, which was to put me on a huge guilt trip. Then, to wrap it up on a good note and make them seem a bit more humane (and prevent any guilt they would feel if I were to die the next day and the last thing they had said to me was negative...), they told me about how they were planning a nice dinner for Sunday for when I would be home, and wouldn't it be nice if I brought my girlfriend out so they could finally meet her?
The guilt trip was bad, but this was a real kick in the pants. I replied with one line: "[She] and I broke up a week ago."
I hoped to reciprocate their guilt trip, because I'm a bastard like that. But I underestimated my dad's wit and cynicism. I just got his reply a few minutes ago. Also one line, it reads: "Lots of fish in the sea."
Yesterday, I got an email from my parents. They had gotten a grade warning from one of my professors saying that I was failing a class, and they went a bit off the deep end, in my opinion. They talked about how I need to get good grades to keep my scholarships and so on. It accomplished their purpose, which was to put me on a huge guilt trip. Then, to wrap it up on a good note and make them seem a bit more humane (and prevent any guilt they would feel if I were to die the next day and the last thing they had said to me was negative...), they told me about how they were planning a nice dinner for Sunday for when I would be home, and wouldn't it be nice if I brought my girlfriend out so they could finally meet her?
The guilt trip was bad, but this was a real kick in the pants. I replied with one line: "[She] and I broke up a week ago."
I hoped to reciprocate their guilt trip, because I'm a bastard like that. But I underestimated my dad's wit and cynicism. I just got his reply a few minutes ago. Also one line, it reads: "Lots of fish in the sea."