Single Again For the First Time

I went in to the relationship knowing on one level that there was very little chance that it would last. Maybe an idealistic part of me wanted it to go a farther. But it didn't. She initiated the breakup, but it was pretty much a mutual thing. I'm taking it about as well as I ever imagined I possibly could have taken my first breakup.

The instant she said "we need to talk" I knew what was going to happen. Over the few minutes it took me to get over there to talk to her face to face, I doubted it for a bit, but I wasn't really fooling anyone. I knew as soon as she asked to talk.

Typical, storyboarded emotional responses ran through my head at that instant... Should I get mad? "Fuck her for breaking up with me! The bitch! How many times am I going to hear the 'just friends' line from a girl?" No, no, that really doesn't fit at all with the situation... We are just friends, and I can't really pretend it ever went beyond that. And I'm really not mad at her at all. And I wouldn't ever call her a bitch, she's done nothing wrong at all this whole relationship.

How about being sad, depressed, moping? "It never works out for me. I had a girlfriend, and I blew it. I suck. I might as well become a monk, or a priest (after I convert to Catholicism), or something, that's how much of a chance I have." Nope, that doesn't work either. That would have been the likely response as recently as a year ago, but I know that this wasn't a "make or break" relationship. I know I won't have much trouble finding another girl if I really want to. Maybe it'll just have to be trial and error with girls. Well hell, that's what this one was. We had a trial period of dating, and it turned out to be an error.

And that's all that dating really should be. When I think about it, I suppose that this whole relationship was an ideal model for dating. Try it for a month or two, and figure out if it works. If it isn't, well, break up, no hard feelings. We're still friends, so there's really nothing but good coming from the whole ordeal. I learned how to date, and made a friend.

So I'm not going to go off to some extreme of anger or despair. I'm just going to take it for what it is: an amicable end of a trial period. But where from here? Should I start dating right away? Actually that's an unfair question. I'm not going to start dating again until I see someone promising come along. If that happens in a year, well, I won't date for a year. If it happens tomorrow... damn. I doubt I would start dating someone tomorrow. I'd try to cultivate a friendship maybe, and pave the way toward dating. But of course, there's that damn "too good of friends" thing that would throw a wrench in the whole thing. Maybe I'd have to just remain aloof and ignore her until I'm mentally prepared to start back into it, then try to jump right into dating (skip the friendship) after the cooling down period. Unless it was the oft-talked-about-but-little-experienced "love at first sight". Then maybe I'd consider trying it right away. But I'd have some serious doubts about the ability of my gut instinct to make good decisions. So barring any miracles, I have a feeling I'll be out of the game for a little bit. Time will tell at this point.

So... am I happy? No. I'm unhappy that we couldn't turn it into anything better than what we had. But am I happy that what we had ended? Yes. Making out doth not a romance make. If we had gone on any longer, we would have just been deluding ourselves and hurting each other by trying to make it work.

Now I'm free to see if anything else will work.