The phrase "in vino veritas" is usually translated as "the truth is in wine" and is used to imply that when a person is drunk, they're more honest. As far as the translation goes, I'm not too sure about it, because there's no verb there at all. From what I know of Latin, it should be literally translated as "the truth in wine." Maybe it was originally "in vino veritas est" and "est" simply got dropped as the phrase travelled through the centuries. Or maybe there's something about Latin that I don't know yet.
But more important than the translation is the idea behind it. Am I more honest when I drink? Well, I do say things that I wouldn't say when I'm sober. But is that really honesty? It seems to me that choosing when, where, how, and to whom you say certain things is as important as what you actually say. So if wine (or any other alcoholic beverage) makes me say something that I normally wouldn't, it's not actually making me honest... In fact, it makes me dishonest, because I would usually have the tact to avoid saying certain things.
No, that doesn't make any sense at all... maybe I'm being dishonest to my own sense of tact and social graces, but that doesn't mean that I'm not telling the truth. Just because I normally wouldn't say something doesn't mean it's not the truth. So yes, I think that there is truth in wine.
Is this a good thing? I usually end up feeling embarassed by something I've said after drinking, and I certainly don't like feeling embarassed. This blog itself is a perfect example of this. Most posts I make while drunk are deleted the next morning, and the ones that aren't I'll end up feeling vaguely unhappy about until they're safely out of sight and out of mind. (Like the post just before this one...) Yeah, drunken rambling is something I don't enjoy dealing with once I'm sober again.
But why not? Why do I worry about it at all? Isn't honesty the best policy? Shouldn't I be trying to get rid of these social inhibitions anyway? Yes, no more lying, no more facades, no more pretending to be happy when I'm sad, or sad when I'm happy, or any one other of a myriad of emotions when it's not real. Yes, drunkenness is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Or perhaps not. Perhaps there is a good reason for me trying to hide certain feelings. Perhaps there are parts of me, feelings or urges that I have that should remain concealed. And that's why I delete my drunken blogs. Because the social inhibitions have a very real and very positive function in my life. Because the checks that we place on ourselves, the checks that are ignored when one drinks, are part of what enables society to function.
Johnathan Swift wrote a poem detailing the process of a woman going about her daily chores to make herself presentable and beautiful. He said in his poem that the beauty is only skin deep, and anyone who has seen a women go through this process or cleaning and beautification would only find the finished product to be disgusting, considering the filth from whence it came. This is Mr. Swift's position on the matter, but after some reflection, it really is poor position to take. Maybe the underlying thing isn't beautiful, but there is a process for beautifying the unbeautiful. The fact that beauty is a facade for an ugly reality doesn't make the beauty any less beautiful.
This is where this tangent joins my earlier discussion - being completely honest simply for the fact that being anything else is only covering the filthy truth is silly. Or is it? Maybe I'm just trying to escape the reality that seems so ugly to me. Is this why I get depress when I drink? Because I'm honest with myself as well as with everyone else, and honesty is depressing? It's a distinct possibility.
Of course, I have to wonder which is better: being happy and dishonest with myself, or being sad and truthful. Perhaps there's a third option: truthful, but able to find the beauty in the truth, and thus happy. I think I'll have to think this one over, and take a more careful look at the world before I can say that any of these three options are the case.
I probably should have thought about this before I started writing about it. But to be quite honest, I don't think I would have ever gotten to this point if I hadn't been writing. That's the beauty of blogging. And of course, I really doubt that I would have gotten to this point if I hadn't been so drunk.
Maybe this is one drunk blog that I won't delete and I won't feel ashamed of. Tomorrow morning will tell.
Cautious Optimism
Well, I don't have the time or energy to write too much on it, but everything seems to have been falling into place recently.
I was running out of money... and I got a Christmas job which pays on commission. Kick ass.
I decided that I did want a girl... and lo and behold, something comes along that looks quite promising. I'm approaching it with what I would call cautious optimism, based on previous experience, but it has potential. We'll see.
I'm disgruntled with classes... and every class I signed up for next semester is interesting to me. Especially "Movies as Medium," and the English class I'm taking. And the sociology class.
Yes, things are working out well. More posting to come as events and sobriety warrant.
I was running out of money... and I got a Christmas job which pays on commission. Kick ass.
I decided that I did want a girl... and lo and behold, something comes along that looks quite promising. I'm approaching it with what I would call cautious optimism, based on previous experience, but it has potential. We'll see.
I'm disgruntled with classes... and every class I signed up for next semester is interesting to me. Especially "Movies as Medium," and the English class I'm taking. And the sociology class.
Yes, things are working out well. More posting to come as events and sobriety warrant.
Confusion, Casual Dating, and Careful Planning
This post is essentially a record of me thinking through various issues I have with dating. It's a bit long, but I think I've worked through it as much as I can on my own.
Confusion has set in. Assumptions are being challenged and things that were once facts are evaporating. I don't know what to think anymore. The key revelation, described in the previous post, was that no matter how much I may try to delude myself to the contrary, I'm still single because I've chosen to be that way. But where do I go from here? I have questions about dating need to be answered. I looked at them briefly at the end of Tuesday's post, but didn't really delve deeply, or even answer them at all. Now, a more systematic approach to the problems I've been having.
First of all, do I even want a girlfriend right now? A week ago this question would have seemed absurd to me. Of course I want a girlfriend! Now, I've realized that I've actually been answering "no" to that question all along, I just didn't realize it. So do I? I suppose I could just say "forget it," wait until after college, and spare myself the trouble. It would mean a lot less stress. But of course that's just putting off the problem until a later date, and it would be completely stupid, because in college I'm surrounded by more girls my own age than I will be ever again. Ultimately, there's no real point to waiting until after college. The stress would still be there anyway, I would imagine. So I was wrong all along. I do want a girlfriend right now.
But what type of girlfriend? This is the key problem. Do I wait for the one I want to marry? The "knock your socks off" type of girl, the love at first sight girl? That's what Dave G. did, and it worked for him. Of course I realize that no girl will ever be completely ideal. But maybe a girl that just throws the whole system off kilter will show up. She might not be perfect, but she'll be different enough that I can't really hold her to the same standards as the rest. And when I meet her, I'll pursue her. That sounds like a pretty good deal.
There are two problems with this. The first is that the ideal I hold in my head right now may actually not work out at all for me. I mean, maybe I think that a certain thing about a girl would be great, but maybe once I actually start dating her, I'll find out that it's actually a bad thing. I would end up finding the "almost-perfect" girl, start dating her with the full intention of getting married eventually, but find out something that made her so close to perfect initially is actually a drawback. What it comes down to is that I don't have an well-informed idea of what I really want in a girl.
The second problem is that I'm assuming the sole purpose for dating is to be a lead-in to marriage. There is, I'm told, another type of dating. This is dating used to get to know the person better, and to see what you like and what you dislike about them. This is dating to have someone to be close to, without having to rule out being with someone else ever again. This is dating with few or no serious commitments. The type of dating that can be cut off without either party going through a huge heartbreak. This is dating with the understanding that it probably won't last. This is casual dating.
But how does casual dating work? I agree with those who say that there can never be a truly platonic relationship between a man and a woman (excluding homosexuality). And by extension, I find it hard to believe that two people could date for any substantive amount of time without at least one of them becoming more emotionally involved than casual dating would necessitate. If you casually date someone for a certain length of time, it's almost guaranteed that one of you will start seeing commitments where none were intended to be. It's human nature. And once this happens, it's no longer casual dating. It's a "commited relationship," so to speak. Somewhere in your subconscious thoughts, one of you will want the relationship to turn into a marriage, even if your conscious thoughts don't want that. And the effects of that subconscious attachment will be heartbreak when the relationship ends, or when the feelings aren't reciprocated.
This problem really really worries me, too. I have a feeling that, because I've never dated before, I would get quite emotionally attached very early on in a relationship. This would be fine if I ended up marrying the first girl I ever dated, but the chances of that are fairly slim if I start off with casual dating. I'm worried that I would end up latching on to the poor girl, then she would dump me. I would end up heartbroken, and she would end up thinking I'm weird. Which would be the case, because you aren't supposed to get so emotionally involved in casual dating.
The solution, besides not being so fatalistic, would be to never go on more than a few casual dates unless you think that there's a good chance that the relationship could work out. Now that I write that down, I realize that maybe that's what casual dating is supposed to be anyway - no more than a few dates, just to get to know the person and decide whether to go any farther. It seems to fit the description I made of it earlier. A dinner and movie or two, a few good conversations, then deciding whether or not it might work out. Of course, the conversation deciding whether or not to end it would be very awkward. I suppose I would just say the truth. If we ended up at odds on the matter, I would just have to trust us both to handle it maturely. It would make any friendship after the fact a little awkward, but since there was so little commitment in the first pace, it wouldn't be too bad. I don't really see any major problems with having a few casual dates like that. In fact, it would probably end up being a good thing, because I get to know more about what I'm looking for in my ideal girl, and I have a much better chance of finding her, because I'm not automatically discarding girls who don't make a good initial impression. So casual dating answers both of the problems that I can see with jumping directly to courtship.
Now we're getting somewhere. I've decided that I do want a girlfriend right now, and that casual dating can work. Since casual dating, unlike courship, doesn't require long periods of waiting and searching to find the right girl, it seems obvious that I should be able satify my desire for a girlfriend fairly soon. There's no real reason to wait that I can think of.
But where do I start? Do I ask some random girl what she has planned for tonight at lunch or something? Somehow I imagine that this wouldn't go over too well. Perhaps I should ask one of the girls with whom I'm already good friends if they'd like to go out to dinner. I'd probably get just as weird a look from a friend as a stranger for a move like that, because I don't ask girls out on dates, but at least with a friend I'd have a chance to explain myself. Of course, there's the age-old "we're too good of friends!" line. I always thought that that line never really happened, because it seems to be a load of bullshit. If you're not attracted as anything more than as a friend, just tell me. You don't need to sugarcoat it. But I've heard it said about me before, so I know it exists. And I have a feeling that I'd end up hearing it a lot more if I were to start asking some of my close female friends out on dates. It is a shame, because there are some of them to whom I am attracted, but I think for the first few dates I ought to avoid the likely rejection that would come from that particular group. So that leaves us with casual acquaintances. In this group, I would place all but one or two of the single girls whom I've met since the beginning of school this year. This leaves me with a nice mix of girls, and I probably have a chance for a casual date with at least one of them.
How does one go about asking a girl on a date? This is the stuff I should have been working on in highschool. Now I'll be nervous and stumble over the unfamiliar words, embarassing myself and making her wonder why I'm having so much trouble. The ultimate would be for a girl to be attracted to me, and have gumption to ask me out. Like Demi Moore did in A Few Good Men. That situation I could handle. I suppose it would help to look like Tom Cruise. Of course, from what I've been told by female friends, it's probably a hundred times harder for a girl (well, most girls) to ask a guy out than it will ever be for me to ask a girl out. And really, it won't be that hard at all. Especially if I'm just asking an acquaintance anyway... much less to lose.
OK, so asking isn't going to be a problem... now what do I do if she says "sure"? Once again, this is the stuff I should have been taking care of in highschool - figuring out what makes a good date. I suppose, for a first casual date, I ought to find a restaurant in the area that has good food, but isn't too well known, so it doesn't seem like I'm doing the same-old same-old. And after dinner... a movie seems a bit cliche. Maybe I should offer her a few choices and see which she wants to try. After all, the wife of Bath's tale in The Canterbury Tales says that the best way for a man to get a good woman is to allow her to choose. And she knows what she's talking about. Actually, I think I'm reading way too much into this. I'll just go with the flow, and I'm sure it'll be fine.
I need to stop turning things over in my head, forget the careful planning, and just act.
Confusion has set in. Assumptions are being challenged and things that were once facts are evaporating. I don't know what to think anymore. The key revelation, described in the previous post, was that no matter how much I may try to delude myself to the contrary, I'm still single because I've chosen to be that way. But where do I go from here? I have questions about dating need to be answered. I looked at them briefly at the end of Tuesday's post, but didn't really delve deeply, or even answer them at all. Now, a more systematic approach to the problems I've been having.
First of all, do I even want a girlfriend right now? A week ago this question would have seemed absurd to me. Of course I want a girlfriend! Now, I've realized that I've actually been answering "no" to that question all along, I just didn't realize it. So do I? I suppose I could just say "forget it," wait until after college, and spare myself the trouble. It would mean a lot less stress. But of course that's just putting off the problem until a later date, and it would be completely stupid, because in college I'm surrounded by more girls my own age than I will be ever again. Ultimately, there's no real point to waiting until after college. The stress would still be there anyway, I would imagine. So I was wrong all along. I do want a girlfriend right now.
But what type of girlfriend? This is the key problem. Do I wait for the one I want to marry? The "knock your socks off" type of girl, the love at first sight girl? That's what Dave G. did, and it worked for him. Of course I realize that no girl will ever be completely ideal. But maybe a girl that just throws the whole system off kilter will show up. She might not be perfect, but she'll be different enough that I can't really hold her to the same standards as the rest. And when I meet her, I'll pursue her. That sounds like a pretty good deal.
There are two problems with this. The first is that the ideal I hold in my head right now may actually not work out at all for me. I mean, maybe I think that a certain thing about a girl would be great, but maybe once I actually start dating her, I'll find out that it's actually a bad thing. I would end up finding the "almost-perfect" girl, start dating her with the full intention of getting married eventually, but find out something that made her so close to perfect initially is actually a drawback. What it comes down to is that I don't have an well-informed idea of what I really want in a girl.
The second problem is that I'm assuming the sole purpose for dating is to be a lead-in to marriage. There is, I'm told, another type of dating. This is dating used to get to know the person better, and to see what you like and what you dislike about them. This is dating to have someone to be close to, without having to rule out being with someone else ever again. This is dating with few or no serious commitments. The type of dating that can be cut off without either party going through a huge heartbreak. This is dating with the understanding that it probably won't last. This is casual dating.
But how does casual dating work? I agree with those who say that there can never be a truly platonic relationship between a man and a woman (excluding homosexuality). And by extension, I find it hard to believe that two people could date for any substantive amount of time without at least one of them becoming more emotionally involved than casual dating would necessitate. If you casually date someone for a certain length of time, it's almost guaranteed that one of you will start seeing commitments where none were intended to be. It's human nature. And once this happens, it's no longer casual dating. It's a "commited relationship," so to speak. Somewhere in your subconscious thoughts, one of you will want the relationship to turn into a marriage, even if your conscious thoughts don't want that. And the effects of that subconscious attachment will be heartbreak when the relationship ends, or when the feelings aren't reciprocated.
This problem really really worries me, too. I have a feeling that, because I've never dated before, I would get quite emotionally attached very early on in a relationship. This would be fine if I ended up marrying the first girl I ever dated, but the chances of that are fairly slim if I start off with casual dating. I'm worried that I would end up latching on to the poor girl, then she would dump me. I would end up heartbroken, and she would end up thinking I'm weird. Which would be the case, because you aren't supposed to get so emotionally involved in casual dating.
The solution, besides not being so fatalistic, would be to never go on more than a few casual dates unless you think that there's a good chance that the relationship could work out. Now that I write that down, I realize that maybe that's what casual dating is supposed to be anyway - no more than a few dates, just to get to know the person and decide whether to go any farther. It seems to fit the description I made of it earlier. A dinner and movie or two, a few good conversations, then deciding whether or not it might work out. Of course, the conversation deciding whether or not to end it would be very awkward. I suppose I would just say the truth. If we ended up at odds on the matter, I would just have to trust us both to handle it maturely. It would make any friendship after the fact a little awkward, but since there was so little commitment in the first pace, it wouldn't be too bad. I don't really see any major problems with having a few casual dates like that. In fact, it would probably end up being a good thing, because I get to know more about what I'm looking for in my ideal girl, and I have a much better chance of finding her, because I'm not automatically discarding girls who don't make a good initial impression. So casual dating answers both of the problems that I can see with jumping directly to courtship.
Now we're getting somewhere. I've decided that I do want a girlfriend right now, and that casual dating can work. Since casual dating, unlike courship, doesn't require long periods of waiting and searching to find the right girl, it seems obvious that I should be able satify my desire for a girlfriend fairly soon. There's no real reason to wait that I can think of.
But where do I start? Do I ask some random girl what she has planned for tonight at lunch or something? Somehow I imagine that this wouldn't go over too well. Perhaps I should ask one of the girls with whom I'm already good friends if they'd like to go out to dinner. I'd probably get just as weird a look from a friend as a stranger for a move like that, because I don't ask girls out on dates, but at least with a friend I'd have a chance to explain myself. Of course, there's the age-old "we're too good of friends!" line. I always thought that that line never really happened, because it seems to be a load of bullshit. If you're not attracted as anything more than as a friend, just tell me. You don't need to sugarcoat it. But I've heard it said about me before, so I know it exists. And I have a feeling that I'd end up hearing it a lot more if I were to start asking some of my close female friends out on dates. It is a shame, because there are some of them to whom I am attracted, but I think for the first few dates I ought to avoid the likely rejection that would come from that particular group. So that leaves us with casual acquaintances. In this group, I would place all but one or two of the single girls whom I've met since the beginning of school this year. This leaves me with a nice mix of girls, and I probably have a chance for a casual date with at least one of them.
How does one go about asking a girl on a date? This is the stuff I should have been working on in highschool. Now I'll be nervous and stumble over the unfamiliar words, embarassing myself and making her wonder why I'm having so much trouble. The ultimate would be for a girl to be attracted to me, and have gumption to ask me out. Like Demi Moore did in A Few Good Men. That situation I could handle. I suppose it would help to look like Tom Cruise. Of course, from what I've been told by female friends, it's probably a hundred times harder for a girl (well, most girls) to ask a guy out than it will ever be for me to ask a girl out. And really, it won't be that hard at all. Especially if I'm just asking an acquaintance anyway... much less to lose.
OK, so asking isn't going to be a problem... now what do I do if she says "sure"? Once again, this is the stuff I should have been taking care of in highschool - figuring out what makes a good date. I suppose, for a first casual date, I ought to find a restaurant in the area that has good food, but isn't too well known, so it doesn't seem like I'm doing the same-old same-old. And after dinner... a movie seems a bit cliche. Maybe I should offer her a few choices and see which she wants to try. After all, the wife of Bath's tale in The Canterbury Tales says that the best way for a man to get a good woman is to allow her to choose. And she knows what she's talking about. Actually, I think I'm reading way too much into this. I'll just go with the flow, and I'm sure it'll be fine.
I need to stop turning things over in my head, forget the careful planning, and just act.
An Odd Morning
I apologize for the length of this post, but I had a lot to say. It is written in a story-like style, but in all but a few minor details, it is an accurate description of my morning.
The day began well. I awoke when it was still dark, and a glance at my clock informed me that the I could sleep for another hour and a half. The only time I enjoy a false start is the beginning of a day. Perhaps when I'm older I'll become one of those people who feels guilty about wasting the early morning hours, but as for now I relish falling back asleep.
I finally did climb down from bed an hour before my first class. The new shampoo I bought last week felt chill on my scalp, and I massaged it down to the roots, just so I could feel the warmth of the cascading water wash it away. I dressed quickly, as always, and wore one of my favorite shirts. Recently I've been paying more attention to how I dress, and it seems to be paying off. I receive more compliments at least. I thought about getting a girlfriend.
Two girls from a neighboring house walked up the hill to campus with me. They talked the whole way, and I think they may have tried to involve me in the conversation a few times. But I was walking quietly, staring at the ground and contemplating life in the way that one does when one has just woken up. I ended up considering girls in general, and girlfriends in particular. What attracts them? What do I do or not do that renders me single? I imagine that there is just a certain way of carrying one's self, a certain deportment, that tells girls that you are not interested. Or that makes them uninterested. And I have this deportment. I don't want to be like this, but I simply don't know how else to be.
Of course, I used to be unable to talk to girls back in highschool. What have I changed since then? And now that girls are attracted to me as a friend, how can I change that a bit more to make them attracted to me as more than just a friend? Maybe it wasn't even something in my manner that I changed, maybe it was something in my appearance. Actually, I'm inclined to think that I learned how to talk to girls last year, when I was practically forced to talk with them. No magical or sudden life change that makes me able to be friends with females, but a slow learning process that I didn't even realize was occurring. And I suppose by the same token that the easiest way to learn how to get a girlfriend is to actually get one. I need to bootstrap my love life, one might say.
As I walked, I decided to look up and start dealing with the rest of the world. Being lost in my thoughts was becoming oppressive. Everything was shrouded in a white fog, and the steam from my breath was adding to it. It made the world seem clean. Maybe it just hid the imperfections, but it was pretty. I decided to talk to the girls I was walking with. I don't remember what we talked about. After breakfast, I went to my first class. I don't remember what happened in there, either.
After my first class, I visited a friend working at the coffee cart. She is a good friend, but I'm always a bit nervous when I talk to her. For me, she herself -- her body, her attitude, her entire person -- embodies sexuality. She would (and will, if she reads it) object to this, and it would be a valid objection, but somewhere deep in my brain, she is inextricably tied to sex. Which is why I'm always a bit nervous and a bit thrilled to talk to her. It is always a struggle to keep the desires of the flesh from overtaking the rationality of the mind, especially when I am good friends with her. I manage though. I had my moment of weakness last year, and it won't happen again, for a variety of reasons.
She invited me to lunch at the her sorority house. I accepted, and we set up a time and a place to meet. On my way home, the fog was still about, and I decided that I would sit on the porch to watch the world go by until my next class. I took my pipe downstairs, packed it with a nice blend of amaretto tobacco, and quietly puffed it while sitting on the porch and contemplating life once again. But as before, "life" turned quickly to "girls."
The talk at the coffee cart, even though it had been about mundane things, made me take a step back from the whole situation. I needed to take a more careful approach to all of this. It reminded me of the difference between my flesh and my mind. It helped me put physical attraction and the physical relations with a girl in their proper place. I needed to look at the subject from a different angle.
So, starting fresh, what do I think about all of this? Lamenting about not having a girlfriend seems to be a rather stupid thing to do when one doesn't actively pursue a girl. So why don't I? Maybe it's because I don't have any confidence in my ability to attract a girl, so I'm afraid of ending up as that annoying kid who latches on to girls. That was part of the problem in highschool I think. It was the classic "afraid of rejection" thing. But really, that's not a problem anymore. I'm not as worried about that as I am now, because I realize that I am somewhat attractive (or at least, female friends tell me that I am), and I know that I have the tact to stop when something isn't working. So why am I not actively pursuing a girlfriend?
I sat in the stillness of the morning and contemplated that for a while. The only movement was the smoke from my pipe curling up and mingling with the fog above my head. Well (I thought to myself), once I realize the fact that I don't have self-confidence problems, I begin to see that I have had plenty of opportunities for girlfriends so far this semester. Well, maybe not plenty, but a few at least. There are girls whom I could have successfully pursued. And really, I've known this all along. I haven't had self-confidence problems since the the beginning of this summer or so. So why have I not pursued a girl?
Puff, puff, puff. I love smoking my pipe. It smells nice, you don't inhale the smoke, so there's no coughing, and you still get pleasantly buzzed. It works well socially, or in more personal settings. It is a thinking tool, and one of the better investments I've made in the past few months. The fog was slowly beginning to lift as I sat there and contemplated my pipe and life. I began to realize just what I had been doing wrong. The only reason that I had not been pursuing a girl... was that I didn't know one whom I considered worth pursuing.
I had been waiting for the perfect girl. The girl of my dreams. The girl that would make everything right. And she doesn't exist. I had made a classic mistake. Everyone writes about it - waiting for a better girl and consequently never really committing to the one you're with. Clerks, High Fidelity, maybe even The Quiet American to some degree... they all have protagonists who need to realize that the ideal woman is a figment of their imagination. And I fell for the same trap. Of course, I don't actually have a girl like Dante, Rob, or Fowler did in their respective stories. But I had been avoiding commitment at a deeper level, refusing to even date casually. I had always told myself that I just wanted a girlfriend, that I wasn't picky. But I was. I thought I was too damn smart to fall for that. I suppose I should re-evaluate a lot of the other beliefs I hold, now that I know I can make such large mistakes without realizing it.
But for now, the issue at hand. Perhaps I'll either have to look for something different in a girl. Or I'll just have to wait patiently for the perfect one. My friend Dave waited patiently for three years, and now he's happily married. But then again, maybe no one can meet my dreamed-of standards. I tend to lean toward the latter. Or maybe I should just date casually, not for a serious relationship, just to get some practice. Something more to contemplate...
My pipe was just about done. I finished it up, and was quite buzzed. I had finished it quickly. With my motions hazy from the pipe, but my mind clear from the same, I went upstairs and got ready for my second class. As I walked up the hill, a slight rain began to fall. The fog which had veiled the world in a clean whiteness had evaporated to reveal a dreary gray morning, but at least I could see clearly.
The day began well. I awoke when it was still dark, and a glance at my clock informed me that the I could sleep for another hour and a half. The only time I enjoy a false start is the beginning of a day. Perhaps when I'm older I'll become one of those people who feels guilty about wasting the early morning hours, but as for now I relish falling back asleep.
I finally did climb down from bed an hour before my first class. The new shampoo I bought last week felt chill on my scalp, and I massaged it down to the roots, just so I could feel the warmth of the cascading water wash it away. I dressed quickly, as always, and wore one of my favorite shirts. Recently I've been paying more attention to how I dress, and it seems to be paying off. I receive more compliments at least. I thought about getting a girlfriend.
Two girls from a neighboring house walked up the hill to campus with me. They talked the whole way, and I think they may have tried to involve me in the conversation a few times. But I was walking quietly, staring at the ground and contemplating life in the way that one does when one has just woken up. I ended up considering girls in general, and girlfriends in particular. What attracts them? What do I do or not do that renders me single? I imagine that there is just a certain way of carrying one's self, a certain deportment, that tells girls that you are not interested. Or that makes them uninterested. And I have this deportment. I don't want to be like this, but I simply don't know how else to be.
Of course, I used to be unable to talk to girls back in highschool. What have I changed since then? And now that girls are attracted to me as a friend, how can I change that a bit more to make them attracted to me as more than just a friend? Maybe it wasn't even something in my manner that I changed, maybe it was something in my appearance. Actually, I'm inclined to think that I learned how to talk to girls last year, when I was practically forced to talk with them. No magical or sudden life change that makes me able to be friends with females, but a slow learning process that I didn't even realize was occurring. And I suppose by the same token that the easiest way to learn how to get a girlfriend is to actually get one. I need to bootstrap my love life, one might say.
As I walked, I decided to look up and start dealing with the rest of the world. Being lost in my thoughts was becoming oppressive. Everything was shrouded in a white fog, and the steam from my breath was adding to it. It made the world seem clean. Maybe it just hid the imperfections, but it was pretty. I decided to talk to the girls I was walking with. I don't remember what we talked about. After breakfast, I went to my first class. I don't remember what happened in there, either.
After my first class, I visited a friend working at the coffee cart. She is a good friend, but I'm always a bit nervous when I talk to her. For me, she herself -- her body, her attitude, her entire person -- embodies sexuality. She would (and will, if she reads it) object to this, and it would be a valid objection, but somewhere deep in my brain, she is inextricably tied to sex. Which is why I'm always a bit nervous and a bit thrilled to talk to her. It is always a struggle to keep the desires of the flesh from overtaking the rationality of the mind, especially when I am good friends with her. I manage though. I had my moment of weakness last year, and it won't happen again, for a variety of reasons.
She invited me to lunch at the her sorority house. I accepted, and we set up a time and a place to meet. On my way home, the fog was still about, and I decided that I would sit on the porch to watch the world go by until my next class. I took my pipe downstairs, packed it with a nice blend of amaretto tobacco, and quietly puffed it while sitting on the porch and contemplating life once again. But as before, "life" turned quickly to "girls."
The talk at the coffee cart, even though it had been about mundane things, made me take a step back from the whole situation. I needed to take a more careful approach to all of this. It reminded me of the difference between my flesh and my mind. It helped me put physical attraction and the physical relations with a girl in their proper place. I needed to look at the subject from a different angle.
So, starting fresh, what do I think about all of this? Lamenting about not having a girlfriend seems to be a rather stupid thing to do when one doesn't actively pursue a girl. So why don't I? Maybe it's because I don't have any confidence in my ability to attract a girl, so I'm afraid of ending up as that annoying kid who latches on to girls. That was part of the problem in highschool I think. It was the classic "afraid of rejection" thing. But really, that's not a problem anymore. I'm not as worried about that as I am now, because I realize that I am somewhat attractive (or at least, female friends tell me that I am), and I know that I have the tact to stop when something isn't working. So why am I not actively pursuing a girlfriend?
I sat in the stillness of the morning and contemplated that for a while. The only movement was the smoke from my pipe curling up and mingling with the fog above my head. Well (I thought to myself), once I realize the fact that I don't have self-confidence problems, I begin to see that I have had plenty of opportunities for girlfriends so far this semester. Well, maybe not plenty, but a few at least. There are girls whom I could have successfully pursued. And really, I've known this all along. I haven't had self-confidence problems since the the beginning of this summer or so. So why have I not pursued a girl?
Puff, puff, puff. I love smoking my pipe. It smells nice, you don't inhale the smoke, so there's no coughing, and you still get pleasantly buzzed. It works well socially, or in more personal settings. It is a thinking tool, and one of the better investments I've made in the past few months. The fog was slowly beginning to lift as I sat there and contemplated my pipe and life. I began to realize just what I had been doing wrong. The only reason that I had not been pursuing a girl... was that I didn't know one whom I considered worth pursuing.
I had been waiting for the perfect girl. The girl of my dreams. The girl that would make everything right. And she doesn't exist. I had made a classic mistake. Everyone writes about it - waiting for a better girl and consequently never really committing to the one you're with. Clerks, High Fidelity, maybe even The Quiet American to some degree... they all have protagonists who need to realize that the ideal woman is a figment of their imagination. And I fell for the same trap. Of course, I don't actually have a girl like Dante, Rob, or Fowler did in their respective stories. But I had been avoiding commitment at a deeper level, refusing to even date casually. I had always told myself that I just wanted a girlfriend, that I wasn't picky. But I was. I thought I was too damn smart to fall for that. I suppose I should re-evaluate a lot of the other beliefs I hold, now that I know I can make such large mistakes without realizing it.
But for now, the issue at hand. Perhaps I'll either have to look for something different in a girl. Or I'll just have to wait patiently for the perfect one. My friend Dave waited patiently for three years, and now he's happily married. But then again, maybe no one can meet my dreamed-of standards. I tend to lean toward the latter. Or maybe I should just date casually, not for a serious relationship, just to get some practice. Something more to contemplate...
My pipe was just about done. I finished it up, and was quite buzzed. I had finished it quickly. With my motions hazy from the pipe, but my mind clear from the same, I went upstairs and got ready for my second class. As I walked up the hill, a slight rain began to fall. The fog which had veiled the world in a clean whiteness had evaporated to reveal a dreary gray morning, but at least I could see clearly.
Don't Tell Me...
I decided today to try to avoid learning the outcome of the presidential election for as long as possible. I won't watch any election coverage, I'll avoid all new sites for as long as possible, and I'll tell all my friends to avoid talking about it while I'm around. There's no particular reason for doing this, no grand sociological experiment or anything, no examination of how quickly the media can saturate the country with information. I'm just curious. Realistically, I don't expect to last beyond Wednesday morning, considering the college that I attend. Who knows. Maybe I'll last a whole 24 hours. Wish me luck.
But of course, we all know that the election has already been decided by the Redskins losing to Green Bay today, so there's really no point to this at all...
But of course, we all know that the election has already been decided by the Redskins losing to Green Bay today, so there's really no point to this at all...