De Feminis

A quick discussion of how I go about befriending females, written while slightly drunk, and adapted from a series of brief, drunken talks I had with one of my female friends over the course of the night (and, for both of these reasons, probably a little tough to follow):

The first part in the series of conversations began innocently enough. I've been dating a girl for a little bit now (that post from few weeks ago had a bigger effect that I would have thought), and ever since I've been dating her, my female friends have been commenting on how nice it is that I still hang out with them, and that I'm still nice to them. Apparently it's a common thing for a guy who get a girlfriend to put the rest of the girls he knows on the back burner, to stop hanging out with them, and to generally ignore their existence. It suprised me to hear this. But then when I thought it through, I realized the sad truth of the matter.

I think most guys agree that for any female friend that they have (I mean "friend" friend, not "girlfriend" friend), there is always some sort of attraction (more than just a "friend" friend attraction), even though there is nothing really there, and there is no chance for anything to be there. But unfortunately a lot of guys have this as the only reason for befriending females. They are attracted, so they try to become friends, to move within striking distance. Then, when something does happen with one girl, they drop the rest faster than you can say "opportunist".

For most of highschool, this attraction that I felt for all females really messed things up for me. I was unable to befriend females because I didn't know how to ignore the attraction. I did have a few female friends, mainly because they went out of their way to be friendly to me, and I just played along with it. And of course in my first year of college, it really didn't matter, as the male-female ratio was 3:1, and I was on an all-guy floor, and I didn't drink or party at all. But sophomore year, the first year at Hillsdale, I finally figured it out how to ignore the attraction I feel for any reasonably pretty girl I meet. The "how" is really not that big of an issue. The real point is that I learned how before I even tried to befriend girls.

Being able to do this made it much easier to meet girls, because I was no longer hung up on wanting to fuck them (sorry, just being honest). So now I can meet girls, and become friends with girls. And now I befriend girls whom I find interesting, and whose personality and intellect interest me enough to outweigh the potential trouble of ignoring any attraction I might feel for them. The attraction I feel for a girl is really a detriment to any potential friendship, and I make sure that the benefit of the friendship is going to outweigh the mental cost of ignoring the attraction. Very cynical, I know, but it does leave me with a bunch of really cool female friends, and prevents me from becoming a cuddle bitch.

So, if I am friends with a girl, it is because I have fun hanging out with them, because they're intellectually stimulating, and (in essence) because I want to have them as a friend. It is never because I want to use friendship as a stepping stone to dating, though of course I wouldn't be opposed to it if the chips fell that way and we were both single. I never have any ulterior motives in being a friend to a girl.

I do feel an attraction for them, but I am quite capable of ignoring it, and putting it aside. Call bullshit if you will, but I have a girlfriend with whom I am quite happy, and I have no reason to be seeking anything else.

I'm not "keeping my options open", I'm just enjoying friendship.