I'm convinced we all are voyeurs. It's part of the detective thing. We want to know secrets and we want to know what goes on behind those windows. And not in a way that we would use to hurt anyone. There's an entertainment value to it, but at the same time we want to know: What do humans do? Do they do the same things as I do?
--David Lynch
Recently, I've been in a situation where I'm not quite sure of what I'm doing. So I've looked to others for advice. But every piece of advice I've gotten I've discarded almost out of hand, telling myself that I know what I'm doing better than this or that person does. I'm being vague, but basically I feel like I don't exactly know what I'm doing, but I know better than anyone else does. And I suppose that makes sense, as the situation isn't really a public matter, and I know it better than anyone else save one. So I have to go it alone, and trust my own instinct.
Of course, my instinct was bred from subconciously observing others in similar situations. So am I actually doing anything autonomously? Does anyone ever do anything original? Well, originality doesn't really have anything to do with autonomy. Scratch that. But am I acting of my own free will, or am I just doing what I've been programmed to do by the unique set of circumstances that got me to where I am today? Am I wholly defined by external events that have shaped me and will continue to shape me?
I don't think I can answer those questions without writing for a very long time, and since Dan complained about the length of my posts (and I tend to agree with him), I guess I'll just stop there and not really worry about it. Instead, I'll just do the best I can with what I have. I know what's going on in my life better than anyone else, so I'll have to rely on my own judgement. Whether or not that judgement has been programmed into me my upbringing and so on is a moot point; it won't change the fact that I need to use my judgement.
And honestly, for all the talk and feelings of being unsure, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. I just need to go do it.
2 comments:
Dan complains about things he can't understand.
I like your posts, I think they are very thoughtful.
I would say that your gut instinct may not always be the best...but it will satisfy you more than anything else.
Heh, thanks. That comment was a bit tongue-in-cheek anyway, and I was just using the most convenient excuse to avoid thinking about the issue at hand. I'm afraid that if I reason it out, I'll come to a conclusion I don't want to reach because it scares me. Maybe some other time...
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