They Call Me the Seeker

A bellowing train reminds me of childhood, half asleep while the engine thundered by outside my window, the piercing deep whistle sluggishly reaching through the muggy air. Spring is coming. It's in the air, and everyone can feel it. Never mind the temperature, there's something in the way the world seems to be gearing up, ready to burst forth. Something brilliant is about to happen, and I hope I recognize it when I see it.

I'm drunk off my ass on green beer. Fortunately, I only have half of a paper to write before spring break starts for me. Then, life will be good. Nothing to worry about after this one last push. But they I'll have to start getting ready for exams after that. That'll be a bitch. But then, after that, a whole summer of leisure. Ah yes, I can taste it.

That's how it always is, isn't it? Just this one more thing to take care of, then I'll be on easy street. Just this last bit, and it'll all be over. Remember that scene in Spaceballs? Bill Pullman and John Candy are trekking through the endless desert, and Pullman says, "It's here, right over this last dune. Just one more dune to go." and Candy replies, "You said that three dunes ago." That's what life looks like to me. A series of endless dunes to climb over, with the prize just over whatever one I happen to be on. I've always been telling myself to keep going for one more thing, to overcome one more challenge. Pass all of your classes, then things will be easier. Get a job, then things will work out. Get a girlfriend, then you'll be happy. Get this fucking paper done, and all of the worries will be done. And it never stops.

So how do I stop it? There are two options: either I can keep going and try to reach the goal, or I can just give up and meander along. The latter option gets immediately discarded, because, while it does offer the possibility of short-term relief from the stress of always climbing toward something, doesn't actually get me happiness. So I have to keep going. But now that I've recognized the predicament, I can ask a few pertinent questions. Like what is the goal, the prize that I'm searching for? What will actually make me happy? If I can actually pinpoint what it is, maybe I can make a concerted effort to reach it. So, what is it? And can I actually reach it, or is the desert really endless?

One of the things that we fraternity boys do to our pledges, besides the obvious stuff like beating the shit out of them with paddles and tieing them up for weird, homoerotic rituals (I'm being facetious, by the way), is to make them interview all of the actives with questions of their own design. The questions are generally the cliche "what's your favorite movie" or "what superpower would you have" or "what's your greatest accomplishment" type of thing. But even cliche questions, if you stop to think about them, can be interesting. I suppose that's why they become cliche: people ask them because they have the greatest potential to evoke interesting responses. One such question asked of me was "where do you want to be in 5 years?" or its counterpart "what do you want to be doing after college?"

When I thought about this, I realized that I really have no idea. So I tried to wing it. And going on the idea that first instincts are usually the best, I suppose that those answers are actually the best. Accordingly, what I want for myself is a good wife, thinking about kids, at a good job where I have plenty of room for advancement, without requiring so much of my time that I can't have a family life. The American Dream.

Maybe first instincts aren't always perfect, and they're actually based on bullshit cultural norms. I don't really know. But I can't really think of what else I'd rather be doing in five years. Riches and fame seem to really mess people up, so I think I'd rather avoid both of those until I've matured a bit. So let's just operate on the assumption that all I want is my slice of Americana. What do I need to do to accomplish that right now?

Not much, really. If I keep on the pace I'm at, I'll probably end up there anyway. Well, maybe not the wife part. But that will come in time, I'm sure. It worked out for enough of my friends that I'm confident enough for myself. So I shouldn't worry about anything, I'm on my way to the American Dream anyway, right?

Damn, I think I've made a mistake. What I'm looking for is that thing that I keep trying to reach by going through one more trouble, by doing that one last thing right now. I'm not necessarily looking to the future. I got sidetracked. I want instant gratification. What will make me happy right now, today? I suppose not having to worry about money or grades or romance. If I were financially secure, smart enough that I didn't need to study at all, and looked good enough and talked well enough to have the perfect girl, then I'd be happy. Money, grades, and romance. The very things that make my life interesting right now. How boring would that life be?

So perhaps there has to be something to worry about so that I don't get bored. Who knows? I'd probably end up spending all my money on bullshit, skipping classes because I was bored, and cheating on my girlfriend because I would know I could easily get another. Not quite ideal. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Truth be told, all I know is that I want to be happy. I don't know for sure what will make me happy, but I'm optimistic enough to believe that I'll find it eventually. I'm done trying to think it through right now.

Well, I take that back. For the short term I've found what will make me happy: I'm going to bed.