An Odd Morning

I apologize for the length of this post, but I had a lot to say. It is written in a story-like style, but in all but a few minor details, it is an accurate description of my morning.

The day began well. I awoke when it was still dark, and a glance at my clock informed me that the I could sleep for another hour and a half. The only time I enjoy a false start is the beginning of a day. Perhaps when I'm older I'll become one of those people who feels guilty about wasting the early morning hours, but as for now I relish falling back asleep.

I finally did climb down from bed an hour before my first class. The new shampoo I bought last week felt chill on my scalp, and I massaged it down to the roots, just so I could feel the warmth of the cascading water wash it away. I dressed quickly, as always, and wore one of my favorite shirts. Recently I've been paying more attention to how I dress, and it seems to be paying off. I receive more compliments at least. I thought about getting a girlfriend.

Two girls from a neighboring house walked up the hill to campus with me. They talked the whole way, and I think they may have tried to involve me in the conversation a few times. But I was walking quietly, staring at the ground and contemplating life in the way that one does when one has just woken up. I ended up considering girls in general, and girlfriends in particular. What attracts them? What do I do or not do that renders me single? I imagine that there is just a certain way of carrying one's self, a certain deportment, that tells girls that you are not interested. Or that makes them uninterested. And I have this deportment. I don't want to be like this, but I simply don't know how else to be.


Of course, I used to be unable to talk to girls back in highschool. What have I changed since then? And now that girls are attracted to me as a friend, how can I change that a bit more to make them attracted to me as more than just a friend? Maybe it wasn't even something in my manner that I changed, maybe it was something in my appearance. Actually, I'm inclined to think that I learned how to talk to girls last year, when I was practically forced to talk with them. No magical or sudden life change that makes me able to be friends with females, but a slow learning process that I didn't even realize was occurring. And I suppose by the same token that the easiest way to learn how to get a girlfriend is to actually get one. I need to bootstrap my love life, one might say.

As I walked, I decided to look up and start dealing with the rest of the world. Being lost in my thoughts was becoming oppressive. Everything was shrouded in a white fog, and the steam from my breath was adding to it. It made the world seem clean. Maybe it just hid the imperfections, but it was pretty. I decided to talk to the girls I was walking with. I don't remember what we talked about. After breakfast, I went to my first class. I don't remember what happened in there, either.

After my first class, I visited a friend working at the coffee cart. She is a good friend, but I'm always a bit nervous when I talk to her. For me, she herself -- her body, her attitude, her entire person -- embodies sexuality. She would (and will, if she reads it) object to this, and it would be a valid objection, but somewhere deep in my brain, she is inextricably tied to sex. Which is why I'm always a bit nervous and a bit thrilled to talk to her. It is always a struggle to keep the desires of the flesh from overtaking the rationality of the mind, especially when I am good friends with her. I manage though. I had my moment of weakness last year, and it won't happen again, for a variety of reasons.

She invited me to lunch at the her sorority house. I accepted, and we set up a time and a place to meet. On my way home, the fog was still about, and I decided that I would sit on the porch to watch the world go by until my next class. I took my pipe downstairs, packed it with a nice blend of amaretto tobacco, and quietly puffed it while sitting on the porch and contemplating life once again. But as before, "life" turned quickly to "girls."

The talk at the coffee cart, even though it had been about mundane things, made me take a step back from the whole situation. I needed to take a more careful approach to all of this. It reminded me of the difference between my flesh and my mind. It helped me put physical attraction and the physical relations with a girl in their proper place. I needed to look at the subject from a different angle.

So, starting fresh, what do I think about all of this? Lamenting about not having a girlfriend seems to be a rather stupid thing to do when one doesn't actively pursue a girl. So why don't I? Maybe it's because I don't have any confidence in my ability to attract a girl, so I'm afraid of ending up as that annoying kid who latches on to girls. That was part of the problem in highschool I think. It was the classic "afraid of rejection" thing. But really, that's not a problem anymore. I'm not as worried about that as I am now, because I realize that I am somewhat attractive (or at least, female friends tell me that I am), and I know that I have the tact to stop when something isn't working. So why am I not actively pursuing a girlfriend?

I sat in the stillness of the morning and contemplated that for a while. The only movement was the smoke from my pipe curling up and mingling with the fog above my head. Well (I thought to myself), once I realize the fact that I don't have self-confidence problems, I begin to see that I have had plenty of opportunities for girlfriends so far this semester. Well, maybe not plenty, but a few at least. There are girls whom I could have successfully pursued. And really, I've known this all along. I haven't had self-confidence problems since the the beginning of this summer or so. So why have I not pursued a girl?

Puff, puff, puff. I love smoking my pipe. It smells nice, you don't inhale the smoke, so there's no coughing, and you still get pleasantly buzzed. It works well socially, or in more personal settings. It is a thinking tool, and one of the better investments I've made in the past few months. The fog was slowly beginning to lift as I sat there and contemplated my pipe and life. I began to realize just what I had been doing wrong. The only reason that I had not been pursuing a girl... was that I didn't know one whom I considered worth pursuing.

I had been waiting for the perfect girl. The girl of my dreams. The girl that would make everything right. And she doesn't exist. I had made a classic mistake. Everyone writes about it - waiting for a better girl and consequently never really committing to the one you're with. Clerks, High Fidelity, maybe even The Quiet American to some degree... they all have protagonists who need to realize that the ideal woman is a figment of their imagination. And I fell for the same trap. Of course, I don't actually have a girl like Dante, Rob, or Fowler did in their respective stories. But I had been avoiding commitment at a deeper level, refusing to even date casually. I had always told myself that I just wanted a girlfriend, that I wasn't picky. But I was. I thought I was too damn smart to fall for that. I suppose I should re-evaluate a lot of the other beliefs I hold, now that I know I can make such large mistakes without realizing it.

But for now, the issue at hand. Perhaps I'll either have to look for something different in a girl. Or I'll just have to wait patiently for the perfect one. My friend Dave waited patiently for three years, and now he's happily married. But then again, maybe no one can meet my dreamed-of standards. I tend to lean toward the latter. Or maybe I should just date casually, not for a serious relationship, just to get some practice. Something more to contemplate...

My pipe was just about done. I finished it up, and was quite buzzed. I had finished it quickly. With my motions hazy from the pipe, but my mind clear from the same, I went upstairs and got ready for my second class. As I walked up the hill, a slight rain began to fall. The fog which had veiled the world in a clean whiteness had evaporated to reveal a dreary gray morning, but at least I could see clearly.