I thought that I'd be posting more regularly once I got back to school, but things have been hectic. But now I have a bit of time to put some thoughts to words.
I've been seeing this girl for a couple months now. Not exactly dating, though I guess we do go on dates, but more like testing the water to see how it works for us. We've had two "state of the union" talks, where she expressed her desire to keep the status quo, and I agreed. She has just come off a series of relationships that have all ended badly, and she's too emotionally exhausted to start something right now. I can understand all of this, even if I can't relate to it, so I agree.
Similarly, I've been reluctant to commit to being anything more than (as she puts it) "friends with possibilities". I'm worried that I like her simply because she likes me, and that has always been a rare thing. I enjoy the time I spend with her, but what are my motives? I decided that I want a girlfriend, but am I just taking the first opportunity and trying to run with it? These doubts have been nagging me since we started hanging out.
It had been a tangled mess in my mind until something that happened last week. A few friends and I went to a party being held by members of a sorority. We were there for a while, had some fun, drank a bit, then I decided to go home. I hitched a ride with a friend who was sober and who was also driving his girlfriend and one of her friends to their sorority house. In the car, my friend's girlfriend said, "Carl, you're awesome. Do you have a girlfriend right now?" Aside from the obvious boost to my self-esteem, I was momentarily intrigued... She knew a whole bunch of pretty, single girls, and she could put in a good word for me...
But a strange and foreign thought entered my mind at the same time. I didn't really care about the girls she might be able to introduce me to. So, I replied, "Not exactly, but I'm kinda seeing this one girl." What had I just done? Given the opportunity to be set up with someone new, I had chosen to instead stick with what I already had. It's not like I would have been committing myself to anything by answering truthfully and saying that, "No, I don't have a girlfriend." I could have just met whomever she set me up with and hung out for a bit. Kept my options open, so to speak. And it wouldn't have been "cheating" at all.
So why did I do it? Why did I turn it down? I thought about it later, and I realized two things. The first is that if things with this girl don't work out, it wouldn't be too hard at all to find another girl. My past troubles with talking to girls, asking them out, and so on are... well, past, and I have enough friends to set me up with girls they know that losing the girl I have wouldn't be a big deal. The second thing I realized is that I don't want to lose the girl I have. I want things to work out, and I want to officially date her. I didn't keep my options open because I don't need a better option.
Sounds corny, eh? In the grand scheme of things, this is probably pretty insignificant. Moving from "friends with possibilities" to "boyfriend-girlfriend"... Not a huge leap. But, since I've never really made that leap before, allow me my neuroses. And of course, with as much care and thought as we're both putting into this relationship, it's not just a run of the mill "hey, let's date" type of thing. I should be entitled to a little bit of anxiety about admitting that I want to go to the next step.
And I do want to go to the next step. I've decided. All that's left for me to do is wait to see what she wants to do. I don't really know how long that will take, and I don't think that she does either. And I don't really know what she'll choose to do. Realizing what I have, and deciding what I have, it will hurt more than it would have a month ago if she decides she wants to break it off, but it certainly won't kill me. And if she decides that she wants to be my girlfriend, I'll do a song and a dance, and all will be right with the world (for a while at least). But, in either case, I've made my own decision.
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