Confusion, Casual Dating, and Careful Planning

This post is essentially a record of me thinking through various issues I have with dating. It's a bit long, but I think I've worked through it as much as I can on my own.

Confusion has set in. Assumptions are being challenged and things that were once facts are evaporating. I don't know what to think anymore. The key revelation, described in the previous post, was that no matter how much I may try to delude myself to the contrary, I'm still single because I've chosen to be that way. But where do I go from here? I have questions about dating need to be answered. I looked at them briefly at the end of Tuesday's post, but didn't really delve deeply, or even answer them at all. Now, a more systematic approach to the problems I've been having.

First of all, do I even want a girlfriend right now? A week ago this question would have seemed absurd to me. Of course I want a girlfriend! Now, I've realized that I've actually been answering "no" to that question all along, I just didn't realize it. So do I? I suppose I could just say "forget it," wait until after college, and spare myself the trouble. It would mean a lot less stress. But of course that's just putting off the problem until a later date, and it would be completely stupid, because in college I'm surrounded by more girls my own age than I will be ever again. Ultimately, there's no real point to waiting until after college. The stress would still be there anyway, I would imagine. So I was wrong all along. I do want a girlfriend right now.

But what type of girlfriend? This is the key problem. Do I wait for the one I want to marry? The "knock your socks off" type of girl, the love at first sight girl? That's what Dave G. did, and it worked for him. Of course I realize that no girl will ever be completely ideal. But maybe a girl that just throws the whole system off kilter will show up. She might not be perfect, but she'll be different enough that I can't really hold her to the same standards as the rest. And when I meet her, I'll pursue her. That sounds like a pretty good deal.

There are two problems with this. The first is that the ideal I hold in my head right now may actually not work out at all for me. I mean, maybe I think that a certain thing about a girl would be great, but maybe once I actually start dating her, I'll find out that it's actually a bad thing. I would end up finding the "almost-perfect" girl, start dating her with the full intention of getting married eventually, but find out something that made her so close to perfect initially is actually a drawback. What it comes down to is that I don't have an well-informed idea of what I really want in a girl.

The second problem is that I'm assuming the sole purpose for dating is to be a lead-in to marriage. There is, I'm told, another type of dating. This is dating used to get to know the person better, and to see what you like and what you dislike about them. This is dating to have someone to be close to, without having to rule out being with someone else ever again. This is dating with few or no serious commitments. The type of dating that can be cut off without either party going through a huge heartbreak. This is dating with the understanding that it probably won't last. This is casual dating.

But how does casual dating work? I agree with those who say that there can never be a truly platonic relationship between a man and a woman (excluding homosexuality). And by extension, I find it hard to believe that two people could date for any substantive amount of time without at least one of them becoming more emotionally involved than casual dating would necessitate. If you casually date someone for a certain length of time, it's almost guaranteed that one of you will start seeing commitments where none were intended to be. It's human nature. And once this happens, it's no longer casual dating. It's a "commited relationship," so to speak. Somewhere in your subconscious thoughts, one of you will want the relationship to turn into a marriage, even if your conscious thoughts don't want that. And the effects of that subconscious attachment will be heartbreak when the relationship ends, or when the feelings aren't reciprocated.

This problem really really worries me, too. I have a feeling that, because I've never dated before, I would get quite emotionally attached very early on in a relationship. This would be fine if I ended up marrying the first girl I ever dated, but the chances of that are fairly slim if I start off with casual dating. I'm worried that I would end up latching on to the poor girl, then she would dump me. I would end up heartbroken, and she would end up thinking I'm weird. Which would be the case, because you aren't supposed to get so emotionally involved in casual dating.

The solution, besides not being so fatalistic, would be to never go on more than a few casual dates unless you think that there's a good chance that the relationship could work out. Now that I write that down, I realize that maybe that's what casual dating is supposed to be anyway - no more than a few dates, just to get to know the person and decide whether to go any farther. It seems to fit the description I made of it earlier. A dinner and movie or two, a few good conversations, then deciding whether or not it might work out. Of course, the conversation deciding whether or not to end it would be very awkward. I suppose I would just say the truth. If we ended up at odds on the matter, I would just have to trust us both to handle it maturely. It would make any friendship after the fact a little awkward, but since there was so little commitment in the first pace, it wouldn't be too bad. I don't really see any major problems with having a few casual dates like that. In fact, it would probably end up being a good thing, because I get to know more about what I'm looking for in my ideal girl, and I have a much better chance of finding her, because I'm not automatically discarding girls who don't make a good initial impression. So casual dating answers both of the problems that I can see with jumping directly to courtship.

Now we're getting somewhere. I've decided that I do want a girlfriend right now, and that casual dating can work. Since casual dating, unlike courship, doesn't require long periods of waiting and searching to find the right girl, it seems obvious that I should be able satify my desire for a girlfriend fairly soon. There's no real reason to wait that I can think of.

But where do I start? Do I ask some random girl what she has planned for tonight at lunch or something? Somehow I imagine that this wouldn't go over too well. Perhaps I should ask one of the girls with whom I'm already good friends if they'd like to go out to dinner. I'd probably get just as weird a look from a friend as a stranger for a move like that, because I don't ask girls out on dates, but at least with a friend I'd have a chance to explain myself. Of course, there's the age-old "we're too good of friends!" line. I always thought that that line never really happened, because it seems to be a load of bullshit. If you're not attracted as anything more than as a friend, just tell me. You don't need to sugarcoat it. But I've heard it said about me before, so I know it exists. And I have a feeling that I'd end up hearing it a lot more if I were to start asking some of my close female friends out on dates. It is a shame, because there are some of them to whom I am attracted, but I think for the first few dates I ought to avoid the likely rejection that would come from that particular group. So that leaves us with casual acquaintances. In this group, I would place all but one or two of the single girls whom I've met since the beginning of school this year. This leaves me with a nice mix of girls, and I probably have a chance for a casual date with at least one of them.

How does one go about asking a girl on a date? This is the stuff I should have been working on in highschool. Now I'll be nervous and stumble over the unfamiliar words, embarassing myself and making her wonder why I'm having so much trouble. The ultimate would be for a girl to be attracted to me, and have gumption to ask me out. Like Demi Moore did in A Few Good Men. That situation I could handle. I suppose it would help to look like Tom Cruise. Of course, from what I've been told by female friends, it's probably a hundred times harder for a girl (well, most girls) to ask a guy out than it will ever be for me to ask a girl out. And really, it won't be that hard at all. Especially if I'm just asking an acquaintance anyway... much less to lose.

OK, so asking isn't going to be a problem... now what do I do if she says "sure"? Once again, this is the stuff I should have been taking care of in highschool - figuring out what makes a good date. I suppose, for a first casual date, I ought to find a restaurant in the area that has good food, but isn't too well known, so it doesn't seem like I'm doing the same-old same-old. And after dinner... a movie seems a bit cliche. Maybe I should offer her a few choices and see which she wants to try. After all, the wife of Bath's tale in The Canterbury Tales says that the best way for a man to get a good woman is to allow her to choose. And she knows what she's talking about. Actually, I think I'm reading way too much into this. I'll just go with the flow, and I'm sure it'll be fine.

I need to stop turning things over in my head, forget the careful planning, and just act.