Pulling Teeth

Why do I have to be drunk before I'm really honest? Am I scared of who I really am? Of what I've done? I've never done anything shameful. Today I've admitted to people that (1) I've never had sex and I'm happy about it, (2) I don't think I'd be strong enough to say 'no' if a girl wanted to have sex with me, (3) I am Christian (really), (4) I wasn't (really) one until December 2003, (5) pledging Sigma Chi really did make a huge difference in my life, and (6) I care about certain people, about whom I never really would have admitted I do care. I suppose anyone could have found these things out if they took the time to look, but it felt nice to get them all off my chest in a real conversation, not in just a self-indulgent online journal that a few people read every now and then.

Yeah, it was a good night. I told myself I wasn't going to get that drunk. But I dropped $1000 on tuition in the morning, so what the hell was another $15 for a fifth of vodka, lemon juice, and some sugar? Lemon drops are damn good... I was drunk fast, then I nursed it with beer for most of the night. I had an awesome heart-to-heart with Caity and Brandon, then later on I had the same with Dwight and Dan. Each one made me think about who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it. These are the things that people talk about when they talk about the college memories that last a lifetime. Actually, there were really three conversations like that tonight, though I was only directly involved in the two already mentioned. The other was with a girl who was over on the porch at The Cabin (Dylan and JC's house). She was talking (mostly bullshitting) and Dwight called it... not with more bullshit, but with reality. And she didn't know what to do. She basically backtracked without admitting that she was backtracking. I think it confused her that she couldn't win us over with her boobs. The dynamics of the conversation were fascinating to watch.

Now it's three in the morning, and I have class at 2:30PM. I'll be up in plenty of time and all, but I'm throwing my nicely arranged sleeping pattern into a complete disarray by mid-weeking and blogging. Oh fucking well. In other news, Gilbert quit his job and is using the new-found freedom to tour the world. Or southern Michigan. Which is the world to me. I really should get out to different places. I haven't been out of the Midwest since... the time I went to Boston. Which was basically driving to Boston, seeing the Phish show, then driving straight back. And before that it was New York. Which was basically bussing to NY, walking down Broadway, walking back, seeing the show, then bussing back home. I haven't seen much of the world. I can form my opinions about it from my sheltered life in Hillsdale College, but won't I just be reciting the party line which Fearless Leader feeds me? I mean, maybe it is right, but how will I know unless I go out and see shit for myself? But on the same token, how can I possibly know how life is everwhere? Graham Greene spent years in Vietnam, and only captured a small portion of the culture and general reality of what was happening there in the 1950s. How can I make informed decisions about foreign policy? How can ANYONE make an informed decision? The new president (whomever he may be) has his work cut out for him. And I really doubt that he'll do a good job. (Either Bush or Kerry). Bah humbug. Fuck politics. It's russian roulette with all chambers loaded.

Well, I've decided that this semester will be a good time to start looking for a girlfriend. (This was decided quite a bit before The Conversations of tonight). I've even asked friends for suggestions. But I've realized that I don't know for whom I'm looking, I don't know what to do once I find her, and I don't know how to keep her if/once I've got her. Hmmm... Suggestions welcome.

I'm going to bed.